For over a decade now, I’ve had the tradition of adopting a “word of the year” from which to set my intentions and priorities for the year. Join me as I share my journaling from the very moment I discovered my “one word” for 2023 to some of the practical steps I’m taking to live it out. Let’s dive in!

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GRAB YOUR MUG OF YUM AND LET’S GO BACK IN TIME…

It’s 1:47 p.m. Tuesday, December 20th, 2022.

The coffee shop is fairly empty by coffee-shop terms. The soundtrack is Ariana Grande Christmas music and the sound of the espresso machine whirring and quiet conversation in another language (French?) at the table nearby.

I just revisited an Instagram post shared with me by a friend (thank you, Dacia). In the post, Amy of @alignedsoulco shares words for each enneagram type. There were some gems in the list for 3s (my number), but when I scanned the list of ideas for my enneagram 2 “wing,” one of the the words gave me pause… and sitting here, considering its implications, my eyes are filling with tears and breath is surging out from my belly in tight, forced heaves.

I guess this is my word for 2023:

S P A C E.

Just yesterday, I was talking with a friend about all of my project ideas for the new year, but that my desire is to not go anywhere unless God is leading me there. And that the way to know that would be to create space to listen to God.

This is not an easy practice for me–slowing, waiting, listening–but it’s one God gently urges me back to (time and time again). I will probably always struggle to be present in quiet space with God, craning to hear his still small voice, but a year committed to that struggle seems like one worth pursuing.

And I just thought of another term I’ve latched onto recently: “holding space” for uncomfortable emotions.

I don’t think I’ve plunked out these words to share with my Thinking Closet kindreds before (honestly, it’s all been a bit too raw), but I think I’m ready to share more.

Last April, I attended a women’s retreat thinking I would be a spectator mainly (getting ideas for my own retreat-leading one day), and of course Our Divine Interruptor had other plans.

While doing a personal inventory journal entry, it was like God lifted a veil on some unhealthy patterns of behavior I have… my mastery at presenting the version of myself that will be most lovable and successful depending on the person or scenario–even if it means setting aside or denying what I’m actually feeling. Especially uncomfortable feelings like anger, sadness, and fear.

All this spilled out onto my journal that sunny April morning. A new thread of discovery. And when I started tugging on that thread to see where it would lead, it just kept going. Back as far as I can remember.

My relationship with uncomfortable emotions has honestly been quite non-existent. Because I just don’t deal with them. But in not dealing with them, there’s a cost. A cost to my most precious relationships. A lack of dependence on God and interdependence on others. A lack of relational depth and intimacy that can come when we express the full range of our emotions with a safe and loving witness.

Oh my, I have a lot of work to do. But I feel God’s kindness in awakening me to this blind spot and so lovingly providing me with friends and companions and resources to help me along the way like counseling and our church’s reGroup recovery program.

How does this all connect to my word of the year, SPACE?

Well, “holding space” is a key phrase that I’ve been learning to practice as those uncomfortable feelings rise up in me or others. It means not rushing past them or bypassing them or ignoring them altogether. But sitting in the them for a spell–to, I dare say, become a friend to sadness, anger, fear, and shame. To listen to what they’re telling me and allow them to move me toward relationships that can handle them, not run away from them.

At our weekly reGroup meetings, we’re not allowed to “cross-talk” after someone shares, which means we are not allowed to respond or hug someone or pray for them or offer advice. There is a lot of awkward silence. Moments of just feeling the weight of another’s emotional experience and being IN IT with them. It’s honestly REALLY hard for me. Weighty. And so exhausting. I usually have what I call an “emotional hangover” the next day because I’ve exerted so much emotional energy the night before.

But as odd as it sounds, I think this weekly practice has made me a better friend and wife and mom.

The Tooth Fairy forgot to come for Juniper in December (whoops!), and my heartbroken firstborn came sobbing to me in the morning. My instinct was to fix it and keep her from feeling pain.

But first, I just sat in it with her. Hugged her. Told her it happened to me once (which it did). It was a small opportunity to practice holding space.

And I’ve unfortunately had bigger opportunities to hold space for others since then as close friends have endured the death of loved ones and the death of relationships. I am far from where I want to be in my emotional recovery journey, but my muscle for holding space is getting stronger because of counseling and Monday nights and the power of confessional community.

SPACE is a good word of the year because it holds many facets. So much potential for surprise interpretation. I’m feeling a tug to put it into practice even now, 11 days from 2022’s end, and to just leave space for possibility and not fill it with preconceived notions.

Leave SPACE for possibility.

SPACE to be surprised.

SPACE to feel my feelings.

SPACE to let God speak.

And even to be willing to take up SPACE.

It sounds like the Beatles are playing now. The man next to me is on a typing frenzy (go man, go!). A drizzle of rain is gently falling outside.

And a new year awaits us, like 365 gifts just waiting to be unwrapped.

I know I won’t mark them all, but I hope, by God’s grace, I grow in my capacity to create SPACE in those days and SPACE in my heart to foster deeper relationships: with God, with my family and friends, and even with the strangers I encounter.

Inhale. Exhale.

2023 here we come!

–Lauren

QUOTES ON SPACE

Just a few hours after writing all that down, I read this line in Emily P. Freeman’s Christmas blessing:

“If there is absence at your table, may it be not emptiness, but may it be held space, saving a seat for hope.”

Emily P. Freeman

Bam.

That felt like affirmation I was on the right track with my 2023 word of the year.

And then a few hours after that, when I told Mark about my word, he reminded me of this line from a Judy Brown poem he wrote down for me in the fall:

What makes a fire burn
is space between the logs,
a breathing space.
Too much of a good thing,
too many logs
packed in too tight
can douse the flames
almost as surely
as a pail of water would.
So building fires
requires attention
to the spaces in between,
as much as to the wood.

Excerpt from “Fire” by Judy Brown

Double bam.

We have those words up on our chalkboard that hangs above our coffee station. So, I see it multiple times a day.

THE PRACTICALS OF “SPACE”

A few of the ways I’m creating space and holding space in this new year:

• quiet car time: not rushing to turn on a podcast or MarcoPolo as soon as I get into the car, but leaving space to hear from God and also talk to Him about the murmurings of my heart.
• praying like monks: I’m currently reading Tyler Staton’s book, “Praying like Monks, Living Like Fools,” and it’s been a big encouragement to me when it comes to talking to God with practical help at the end of each chapter. I highly recommend it!
• Instagram boundaries: I have been using the FREE ScreenZen iPhone app to set boundaries around the time I spend on Instagram because it had become a dependency for me and was taking me out of the present moment. After my first 30 days of giving up scrolling and only opening Instagram if I have the intention to share, it broke my compulsive use of the app. I’ve been amazed at how much more SPACE I have in my day for other ways to rest my brain (like reading books) and also how much more sleep I’m getting. Don’t get me wrong, I had a blast with all the Rhonda Tangelo content of the Christmas season, but it’s been good to be quieter and not feel this pressure to share every moment. Hannah Brencher’s Instagram post HERE is worth a read if this resonates with you.
• goodnight smartphone: I’ve also gone back to the practice of plugging my phone in the laundry room at night, reading before bed instead of scrolling my phone, and using my FitBit buzz as an alarm. But I can also recommend this sunrise alarm clock which I’ve used as well! The buttons are tricky but once you get it set up, it’s easy to just leave it.
• weekly family Sabbath: I almost forgot to mention this one because it has become such a natural part of the fabric of our family life, but it wasn’t always that way! Mark and I fumblingly began a weekly Sabbath practice back in 2014, and we have been fighting to protect this day for 8 years now. Y’all it has been worth the fight! Taking a 24-hour space in time to rest from our paid and unpaid work–a day to reconnect with God and one another and ourselves–well, it has been the most transformational practice of my adult life. If you ask any Lanker what our favorite day of the week is, we’ll all tell you: it’s our Sabbath day! If you’re curious to implement your own family Sabbath practice, sign-up HERE to stay in the loop on my online course, “The Sabbath Journey.”
• holding space: As a rule right now, I’m not offering solutions or advice or even spiritual encouragement unless someone specifically asks for it, but instead am committed to just acknowledging pain, sitting in it with them, and letting them know they’re not alone. It’s been challenging, but also incredibly freeing.
• meeting with a spiritual director: I made an appointment to meet with a spiritual director for the very first time and that is coming up in March. I have no idea what to expect, but I’m excited! My hope is that this will be another avenue for creating listening space to hear from God and also create space to feel my feelings. If you’re curious to learn more about what spiritual direction even is, I recommend this podcast on Spiritual Direction for Beginners by Emily P. Freeman which inspired me to look into it for myself along with spiritual director friend Brittany.
• this blog post right here! Not rushing to publish this post until late February was an act of creating space in my schedule and allowing me to focus a passion project of creating a 2022 family yearbook…a goal I’ve had since 2021 when my word of the year was REMEMBER. Shout-out to Casey A.K.A. Miss Freddy and her Family Yearbooks Course & Support Group for the accountability to git ‘er done. She also offers a course on digital photo organization called Backup Bootcamp I purchased and hope to tackle soon. Below is a photo of Juniper looking through our yearbook for the first time. That smile says it all!

TO CLOSE

Thank you, dear reader, for creating the space in your day to read this post. Perhaps it has loosened within you a few logs that were stacked too tight–opening up some space for your own transformation and healing.

“Truly, the best thing any of us have to bring to [the world] is our own transforming selves.”

–Ruth Haley Barton

May your inner fire burn brightly this year.

WHERE TO NEXT?

Here’s that Instagram post by @alignedsoulco that I mentioned that inspired my 2023 word of the year! It’s got some gems tucked in there, so read all of the slides:

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Amy | Enneagram Alchemist (@alignedsoulco)

A DECADE OF WORDS

For the curious ones, here are some rabbit trails worth exploring: a decade’s worth of blog posts on my “word of the year”!

• 2022: Faithful
• 2021: Remember
• 2020: Enough
• 2019: Presence
• 2018: Rhythm
• 2017: Nourish
• 2016: Purpose, not Perfection
• 2015: Surrender
• 2014: Balance
• 2013: Leap

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