Pepper’s Birth Story

On May 3rd, 2020, a few days before Pepper’s first birthday, I sat down to write her a letter, detailing the story of her birth. And 40 days and 7,088 words later, it grew into a pregnancy AND birth story with 71 photos (gasp!) and lots of mush and gush for my Pepper-girl to read one day.

I decided to share it here on The Thinking Closet because…

a) it’s a safe space where I won’t lose it unless the internet explodes (which it might, but if that happens, we have bigger fish to fry) and…

b) I myself have been greatly blessed by reading others’ birth stories.

Each story is so different. Each child’s journey into the world filled with its own cocktail of pain, struggle, joy, and surprise.

If you choose to read it, I hope it stirs in you some hope during what have been some dark days in our world.

That said, I also know birth stories can be painful to read for some. And if that’s you, I fully support you moving on, protecting your heart, and loving yourself in that way.

Hugs galore,

Lauren

Dear Pepper,

As we just celebrated your first birthday last month, I thought it would be fun to do some time-traveling, back to one of the best days of all days: May 8, 2019, the day of your birth.

But before I get to your grand entrance into the world, let’s wind the clocks back even further. As we say in the theatre, let’s set the stage!

Setting the Stage

Your Dad and I always hoped we would get to be parents one day. It was a very important chat we had even before we got married. And though nothing is ever guaranteed, and though we knew our road was not promised to be easy, together we declared before God our hope to one conceive or adopt not just one, but two or more children! We both knew the gift of having siblings–especially siblings that become lifelong friends–and we hoped to be able to pass on that gift on to our own children one day.

The first answer to our prayer was your big sister, Juniper, my breech baby who arrived on her own terms and on her own schedule on June 5, 2016. She broke us in for you, Pep! She helped teach your dad and me that as much we love making plans and sticking to our routines, we’re far better off when we hold them loosely and trust God to guide our every step.

Through Juniper, we also learned that with each new phase in a child’s life comes new joys and new challenges: both are gifts. We grew incredibly close as a family during those first three years of parenting, developing important rhythms like weekly Sabbaths and date nights. We even put down roots here in Orlando and bought our first home with room for guests! But something–or someone–was missing….

That someone was YOU.

We’re Pregnant!

I remember how excited we were to discover we were expecting when we took that pregnancy test on September 4th, 2018. And after calculating that your due date would be May 14, 2019, I realized that would put you and your big sister one month shy of three years apart–which is about the same age difference between me and your Aunt Lisbeth! It was a small comfort to me to know a little bit of what to expect in regards to that sibling age gap.

First Trimester

That first trimester, we kept the big news to ourselves, a few friends, and our family. I was a bit more nauseous than I felt during Juniper’s pregnancy–experiencing a dull nausea all day, everyday. Even opening the fridge or dishwasher could trigger my very sensitive gag reflex. But I took it as a good sign you were growing! That helped carry me through, especially when I vomited a few times, ruining my decade-long streak. But girl, you were worth every running trip to the sink! I remember lots of napping on the couch while Juniper watched Frozen or listened to Moana for the ump-teenth time. And I dined on lots of frozen pizza meals when that’s all that sounded appetizing.

Second Trimester

When it came time for our gender reveal ultrasound at 14 weeks, I had ZERO expectations about whether we were having a boy or a girl. I did wonder if the increased nausea meant I might be having a boy, especially since that was your Pop Pop’s very confident prediction when we shared your early ultrasound picture with him. Then again, the Lanker-Girden cousin pattern of girl-boy-girl-boy was going strong for all eight cousins…and if keeping in that tradition, we were due for a girl!

Oh, I can’t even begin to tell you how much joy I felt when our favorite ultrasound technician Fabio declared with 100% certainty we were indeed having another girl! Your Dad, Juniper, Mimi, and Papa were all there to see you on the screen. You hiccuped and even appeared to be sucking your thumb! And we celebrated with lots of cheers, texts to loved ones, and brunch at First Watch.

I was so thrilled you and Juniper would experience the gift of sisterhood like I did…and it was a relief to know we already had everything we needed in terms of girly clothes and gear.

In fact, I think your big sister was the MOST excited person of all! She’d be getting an Anna to her Elsa. A Mei to her Satsuki. A Judy to her Betty.

Speaking of the Haynes sisters…

“Sisters, sisters, never were there such devoted sisters!”

Here’s the photo we texted to friends and family when sharing the big news:

And since you were the reason we were extra thankful that Thanksgiving, here’s the photo we shared on social media that day:

That second trimester was definitely my favorite–between the relief from nausea, a much-needed energy boost, and starting to feel your kicks at 17 weeks!

At 23 weeks, your Dad and I enjoyed a getaway to Clearwater Beach where we biked, met Winter the Dolphin, and enjoyed lots of gelato. My baby bump definitely “popped” much faster with you (my body was like, “We’ve done this before…let’s go!”). During that trip, strangers started congratulating us with confidence and kindly holding doors for me!

You also joined us in utero on our first family trips to Disney World that spring! We wanted to enjoy some special adventures as a family in our last season as a trio (and take advantage of Juniper being FREE under three).

We also have you to thank for inspiring us to get our financial house in order with a more streamlined system and budget. I also finally went through the process of incorporating The Thinking Closet as an LLC. Of course, none of that computer-work was “fun,” but we knew we’d have our hands even more full after your arrival and wanted to finally knock out these important TO DOs. Thanks for kickin’ our rears into gear, Pep!

Third Trimester

Third trimester, we were in full-blown nesting mode, transforming the blue guest bedroom into a cozy, neutral-colored nursery with white shiplap up to the chair rail thanks to your dad’s handiwork, new furniture, and decor. Juniper even did her part, graduating to a big girl bed, so we could ready the crib for you.

Because of my health history, my nurse-midwife Nikki had me take a glucose test early on at 18 weeks, which I passed. However I failed the second one I took at 28 weeks, which meant I had to go back a week later to take the dreaded three-hour test and guzzle down that red slime for a third time. Though I thankfully passed that round, I still did my best to watch my sugar intake more carefully.

My Braxton Hicks contractions that started in the second trimester really amped up, as did the acid reflux. I pretty much slept sitting up. My legs would get tingly if I sat too long, and I experienced a lot more pelvic pressure than with Juniper. You taught me that a head-down baby feels VERY different from a breech babe!

“What’s in a name?”

All the aches, cramps, and frequent trips to the bathroom were small potatoes compared to my biggest challenge of the third trimester: landing on your name! We had 72 names on our list of possibilities (yes, I counted), but none of them jumped out at us as a clear winner.

Finally, one date night in March, your Dad and I each shared our top three contenders, and we had one overlap: Pepper. It was a name we had loved for years for its strength, spunk, and fun nicknames like “Pep” and “Peppy”–which felt fitting since your kicks in the womb had lots of “pep!” I had a hunch even then you were going to be an active little lass!

When we ran it by Junie, she nodded and remarked, “That’s a good name.” And though I had a mini-crisis about your name at one point, wondering if it had enough significance, your Dad helped talk me off the ledge. He did some research, and the more we learned about the pepper plant and spice, the more we loved the name for our second daughter!

Here’s an excerpt from the letter I wrote when you were just four days old, sharing the story of your name:

“At one time, pepper was rare and quite valuable. In fact, peppercorns were called “black gold,” and were a highly coveted trading good. Many gave up years of lives and traversed thousands of miles to south Asia just to acquire this precious spice! Why?

Though small, pepper is mighty! And it possesses the power to transform an ordinary dish into something truly extraordinary.”

And so, Pepper you would be!

We hoped the name would remind you of your potential to do great things with the life you’ve been given–no matter how young or small you are. And that you’d always be more precious than gold to us!

Saving the Date

On the contrary to the name struggle, I actually felt incredible peace about planning on a Cesarean delivery this time around. I had gone through a roller-coaster of emotions during my pregnancy with Juniper. When I realized she was not going to budge from her comfy breech position, I really grieved that I wasn’t going to have the vaginal delivery I had been hoping and preparing for. However, her Cesarean birth was such a sacred experience and my recovery so smooth, I had great hopes for the same with you! (I wrote your sister’s birth story all down HERE, so you can read that tale one day, too.)

I’ve gotta say, Pep, it was really quite nice going into this second birth experience knowing a bit of what to expect, and I reviewed our Cesarean birth plan with Nikki and Dr. Enyart in advance. They were totally on board with our hopes, including getting some skin-to-skin bonding time in the O.R. soon after your delivery.

And oh the thrill when we scheduled your C-section and had an actual birth date on the calendar: May 8th! That would be one week before your due date of May 14th. Of course, we packed our bags for the hospital a few weeks in advance so we’d be ready in case you decided to make an early appearance like your sister did!

#BabymoonVibes

On Easter Sunday, April 21, the Ocala Lankers arrived for an Easter egg hunt with the cousins and a small baby shower in your honor. Your Mimi, Auntie Holly, and Auntie Jodi packed our freezer to the gills with yummy meals and desserts that helped carry us through those bleary-eyed newborn days. Best. Shower Gifts. Ever!

The next day, your Dad and I headed off to Disney’s Yacht Club for our babymoon! I’m sure some people thought we were crazy, taking on Disney World while 36.5 weeks pregnant. And yes, I may have been hobbling by the end of our Epcot day having logged 20,000 steps (that’s 10 miles). But I wouldn’t have changed a thing about our overnight getaway. The weather was pure heaven. The food scrum-diddly-umptious. The Disney cast members sweet-as-pie.

And it was at the Japan Pavilion Gift Shop where you helped pick out your gifts to give Juniper at the hospital: a *My Neighbor Totoro book telling one of our favorite sister stories and a Totoro purse to match! (*Amazon affiliate links.)

That trip, your Dad and I took an open-handed approach to our itinerary, listening to my body and sitting on lots of Disney benches to rest and chat rather than stressing about making FastPass times. When we hopped on the wrong ferry to Epcot, we chose to laugh about it and view it as our first ride of the day rather than a disruption to our morning plans. “#BabymoonVibes” is what we dubbed this easy-going way of travel. While it doesn’t come naturally to us, I’d like to think you helped us grow in this way, Peppy-girl.

The Final Countdown

Because I turned 36-years-old in March of my pregnancy, that bumped me into the “advanced maternal age” category, which meant I got to get all strapped up to take nonstress tests at my last two O.B. appointments. They checked your heart rate and made sure you were moving as much as you should be. Let’s just say you passed with flying colors. As the nurses looked at my scans, they joked that you were having a dance party in my womb! (That’s my girl.)

In the last week before your arrival, we decided to mark the days before your arrival (and build our anticipation!) with a countdown chart we made using a piece of cardboard from your IKEA dresser box. Each day, Juniper slapped on a new Mickey sticker, and we celebrated with a family dance party to “The Final Countdown” by Europe. Even your Mimi joined us in dancing on the afternoon of May 7th when she picked up Juniper for a few overnights in Ocala while we’d be at the hospital.

Your Dad and I enjoyed a really special dinner at one of our favorite Orlando restaurants, B.J.’s Brewhouse, for our “last supper” before your arrival. Later that evening, your Grandma & Grandpa Castelli arrived from New York and got settled in their guest room for the next two weeks (hooray!).

That night, I bathed using the special antibacterial soap they had given me at my last O.B. appointment. I went to bed as early as I could, knowing we’d have a BIG day ahead. But we set our alarms for 3 a.m. so we could enjoy one last meal together before my time of pre-surgery fasting began. Your Dad cooked me a scrumptious hot breakfast, which we ate by candlelight at the dining room table. Afterwards, we both slipped back into slumber and got some excellent rest before the day of your grand arrival!

The Big Day

The morning of May 8, 2019, your Grandma & Grandpa sent us off to the hospital with hugs and prayers for a smooth delivery! And as we drove out of the neighborhood, we hollered out the window to our neighbors the Borgstroms, “We’re going to have a baby!” They squealed with excitement.

We arrived at AdventHealth-Altamonte at 10:00 a.m. for check-in, but there wasn’t a room ready for us just yet, so we waited outside the Labor & Delivery unit texting family and taking care of last minute calls to the electric company to update our bank information on file (an odd detail to remember, I know…but it was a testament to how relaxed things felt the morning of your birth!). I also sneakily sipped eensy, weensy tips of water when I got thirsty. (Shhh! Don’t tell!)

While waiting, we also ran into Dr. Christian Chaban who was now an attending pediatrician, but had once been a resident with your dad in the pediatric emergency room. He was such a warm and friendly face, and gushed to his own residents about what an awesome doctor your daddy is. I swelled with pride! We’d later request he be the pediatrician physician to do your hospital examination before discharge…which he graciously did.

When they were finally ready for us, we headed to our triage room, passing the nursing station along the way. When all the staff saw the many bags we were lugging in, they jokingly asked if we were moving in! What can I say: your Mama likes to come prepared! {Tee hee.}

Triage

Once in our triage room, I was asked to shower a second time with the special antibacterial soap, and I tried not to bemoan the fact that the shower water was freezing cold. But nothing could put a damper on my spirits that morning! Not even that super uncomfortable cervical check. Not even the pages upon pages of paperwork I was struggling to fill out while getting hooked up to the monitors and getting my I.V. (Remembering family health history when you’re about to meet your daughter is hard to do!)

Your Dad and I were on cloud 9 as we counted down the hours–then minutes to your arrival. Our surgery was initially scheduled for noon, but things were running a little bit behind as we expected. Though the monitors showed some mild contractions, your heart rate and movements were looking great, so they eventually turned the monitors off while we waited for Dr. Enyart to arrive!

I remember how strange it felt to finally share your name aloud when the nurses asked us! The only soul we had shared it with on ONE occasion was your sister… and so, this felt like a big deal. And I had no idea what people would think. It was clear from the nurses’ reactions it wasn’t a common baby name, but they were delighted by it! They all gushed over the cuteness factor and how well it sounded with Juniper’s name. (I guess we like plant names that end in “per”? Snicker.)

Once Dr. Enyart arrived, we enjoyed a nice chat with him, got our surgical caps on, exhaled some prayers, and took a few final photos before walking down the hall to the O.R. with my nurse anesthetist (C.R.N.A.). Your Dad and I gave each other a kiss as we parted ways, so he could drop off our thousand pounds of luggage in the recovery room, and I headed into the “operating theatre” a little past 12:30 p.m. It was showtime!

Your Arrival

Brrrrr! It was as cold as Alaska in there. Right out of the gate, my C.R.N.A. had me leaning forward off the side of the operating table to administer the spinal block. Baby girl, I have to tell you, it’s wild how quickly the body starts to go numb after that injection. The nurses helped me swing my legs onto the table, and as I laid back, my limbs were already feeling heavy. As the numbness took over my body, I was also flooded with warmth. I remembered the same sensation during Juniper’s delivery!

My C.R.N.A. was so good about checking in with me to see how I was doing and kept me posted on what was happening. And the labor and delivery nurses were amazing advocates for the birth plan I had written up, running through each item with me to ensure we were set up for another wonderful birth experience. For instance, they were able to leave my arms unstrapped and place the ECG leads on my back to allow for us to have skin-to-skin contact.

As much as I had prepared for this moment and knew what to expect since this wasn’t my first rodeo, I still felt some anxiety rising up in me. And I had to really focus on breathing deeply and staying calm. At one point, I could tell it was not doing me any good to listen in on the causal O.R. chatter, so I requested that my C.R.N.A. set me up with my headphones so I could listen to my hypnobirthing meditation.

Your Dad and I had met with doula Michelle Smith for private birthing classes when we were pregnant with Juniper, and she had taught us how to use hypnobirthing techniques to relieve my fear and anxiety during delivery. Since she couldn’t come into the O.R. with us for Juniper’s Cesarean birth, I brought her in with me through my headphones. And for your delivery, I chose to listen to the same “Beach Release” guided meditation since it had been such a source of peace to me during Juniper’s delivery. What can I say, the beach has always been my happy place!

I felt even more at ease when your Dad walked into the O.R., our smiling eyes locked, and he placed a warm hand on my shoulder. Soon after, we saw our dream team arrive of Nikki and Dr. Enyart. I remember overhearing lots of laughs and chuckles among the staff as they prepped for surgery (Dr. Enyart is quite the comedian), but I stayed focused deep breathing and relaxing into my guided meditation.

Once Dr. Enyart ensured the spinal block had done its job (poking and jabbing me to see if I felt anything–which I didn’t!), Nikki asked, “Lauren, are you ready to have Baby Pepper now?” “Yes, I’m so ready!” I declared with confidence. And so began your delivery!

Now, with your sister’s delivery, your dad stayed by my side most of the time as I requested. But this time I told him I was comfortable with him peeking over the blue curtain if he wanted. So, when Dr. Enyart invited him to observe the start of surgery, he jumped at the chance. Such things would make me queasy, but I could tell it was really fascinating to your daddy!

As the surgery began, Dr. Enyart joked, “Who did this first C-section?” “You did!” one of the nurses replied with an eye-roll. “Oh well, I was about to say whoever it was did a good job!”

Even though I didn’t feel any pain during your delivery, I felt lots of strong tugs and pulls. It was like there was a wrestling match going on behind that big blue sheet.

And then, at last, at 1:11 P.M., you were born!

“There she is!” your Daddy said as Dr. Enyart brought you out of my womb. I heard the sweet sound of your cries as you took your first breaths. And he and Nikki held you up high, so I could see your beautiful face for the first time. What a moment!

Oh Pepper, I was overcome by so much emotion to see your chubby face at long last, trembling as tears welled up in the corners of my eyes–especially when I looked up at your dad and saw his tears of joy, too.

The first thing I noticed was the shock of black hair atop your head. You were a chunker, too! (Maybe you take after me! I was both dark haired at birth and chubby.) As they brought you over to the warmer, everyone in the O.R. was making predictions about what you’d weigh. You tipped the scales at 8 lbs. 9 oz. Healthy indeed! (It explained why I was really feeling the pressure down there in those final weeks.)

Your dad stayed right by your side in those first few minutes as they massaged you with a towel and began your health assessment. You took a little longer to pink up than one of the nurses liked, but everyone was so cool about it, I never worried. Your daddy held your hands and rocked your body in the warmer, saying, “Very soon you’re going to go and get to see your mommy.” (Shout-out to the nurse who grabbed my camera and snapped Live photos, so I could see this all later.)

When you were nice and pink, they dressed you in a cap, wrapped up in a swaddle blanket, and handed you off to your dad. As he walked you over to me, you calmed in his arms.

The nurses helped lay you on my upper chest for that skin-to-skin time with a warm blanket overtop us both. I remember our faces were SO close, your little eyes blinking open and shut, your cheek eventually making a pillow of my chin. We were finally getting a proper introduction after all those months of you kickin’ me in the womb.

“Look at your little hands!” I said, as your hand clasped onto my finger.

And while you were there, resting on my chest, your dad got to cut the umbilical cord right next to the clamp. “She’s now free!” the nurse declared.

I was all smiles, just soaking you up, learning your features, feeling your tiny hand grasp tightly around my finger–and then your dad’s. We lifted up your little hat to look at your hair. You were so different from your sister who only had a little fuzz at birth! I just patted your back as you fell asleep into a deep slumber.

In those thirty minutes that Dr. Enyart and Nikki were stitching me up, it both felt like a lifetime and a few blinks.

After they finished up at around 1:40 p.m., you even started rooting around to try to nurse. But we had to delay that just a few more minutes while they rolled me into recovery and you stayed behind for a few more important tasks…like foot-printing!

Your cute little feet got stamped on official charts, certificates, a baby blanket we took home, even on your Daddy’s hand! He gave you lots of kisses to comfort you.

Before Dr. Enyart left the O.R., your dad shook hands with him to thank him. “Here’s your special little baby girl. She’s as cute as can be!” he said. (Once again, thank you Live Photos for these little hidden video clips!)

Recovery

Then, you and Daddy joined me in the recovery room where they monitored us both for the next couple of hours. And thankfully, all went really smoothly.

You latched on to nurse and started feeding so well, straight out of the gate. We even had Donna, the same lactation consultant from Juniper’s delivery, pop in to visit, and she gave us lots of encouragement and great tips. (It’s amazing how one can forget how things work three years between babies.)

And now it was time to tell the world you were here and finally announce your name!

We blasted out a text to our loved ones with our first family photo and this message:

“She’s here! Introducing our beloved daughter, Pepper Vivian Rea Lanker. She joined us earthside at 1:11 P.M. today, 8 lbs. 9 oz. and 20 inches long. We are in love! Pepper and I are both doing great. And we can’t wait for Big Sister Juniper to meet Pepper later today. Love you!”

Seeing all that Pepper-black hair atop your head felt like the sweetest confirmation we had landed on the right name for you: Pepper Vivian Rea (Ree-uh).

Your middle names are a tribute to your Auntie Jodi Vivian & Aunt Lisbeth Rea, so we were extra giddy to text them to announce the arrival of their middle namesake niece! Your dad and I have special bonds with each of our sisters, and we pray you and Juniper experience the same, as well as emulate your aunts in having a wonderful sense of humor and a strong, authentic faith in Jesus.

First Visitors

After a little over two hours in recovery, we both were doing well, and so they transferred us to the room we’d be staying the next few days…and not just any room, but one of the more spacious rooms at the end of the hall, so it was very private. Someone must’ve put in a good word for us!

Your first visitors were your Grandma & Grandpa Castelli who arrived at 5:15 p.m. with arms open, ready to snuggle you, and tears of joy in their eyes.

At 6:20 p.m., your Mimi and Papa Lanker arrived with a very curious big sister Juniper. “Juniper, here’s your baby sister, Pepper,” we said. I remember she had a little bit of trepidation at first to see me in a hospital bed, but she got over that real quickly when we invited her to climb up onto the bed to get a closer look at you. She gave your head a few gentle strokes, then asked, “Does she want my elephant?” Little did she know you had a gift to give to HER!

Juniper opened up the My Neighbor Totoro book and purse and immediately lit up like a Christmas tree! (You certainly are a great gift-giver, Pep.)

Meanwhile you got passed around to everyone for photos and lovies, and you even opened your eyes a bit (in between yawns).

In an effort to keep you from catching kid germs, we made a generalized rule for all kids just to touch your feet and kiss your head at first. “Hi little feetie!” Junie said. Then, she snuck in a kiss!

And at 7:16 your Dad announced, “She has her first wet diaper!” Soon after, we bid farewell to our visitors and enjoyed some more getting-to-know-you time!

Our First Evening

The hospital food was not as appetizing as I last remembered…plus I was ravenous after the fasting and the water and cracker they tried to start me off on were just not cutting it. So at 10:34 p.m. we ordered in dinner from MidiCi The Neapolitan Pizza Company, and they even threw in some gelato on the house to congratulate us on our new delivery!

That first evening, I was on such a high. Sure I was exhausted and hungry and achy…but you were here! In our arms. You were so cute. I could finally see your face, touch your skin, tickle that peach fuzz on your arms.

I remember saying to your Dad something like this: “I feel like THIS is what really matters. Bringing new life into the world. It’s hard work, but it’s the most important work I can think of right now.”

He smiled. And lovingly said, “I think that’s what they call oxytocin you’re experiencing right now!” {Tee hee.}

Those newborn snuggles are powerful! But I also think our friend Denice Parker’s theory is true:

“Birth is such a precious, unique time in a family where I really feel the Lord draws near and overwhelms with blessing and bursts our hearts with Niagara Falls of love.”

Our hearts nearly burst with Niagara Falls of love for you, Pep!

Cesarean Recovery Tips

Since this wasn’t my first rodeo, I was really proactive about doing all the things I knew to help my body in the healing process:

• Getting up to walk to the bathroom and back at 2:30 a.m. when they took out my I.V. and catheter…and at any opportunity I could. I listened to my body and tried not to push it, but the more I moved, the more quickly I recovered.
• Since the intestines get real sluggish after a C-section, I took stool softeners and anti-gas medication to help get things moving.
• Drinking lots and lots of water.
• Staying on top of my pain medication and trying not to let it lapse. The nurses were great about tracking when my medications were due on a board in our room. One time, I was delayed in getting it, and I regretted not advocating for it. So, I didn’t hold back from using the call button if needed to keep up with the alternating doses of ibuprofen and a narcotic. (At home, your Dad was my person to check in with about the pain, and we were able to cut down the narcotic and eliminate it even faster than I did with Junie simply because I felt up for it!)

The least “fun” part of recovery for me was when the nurses had to apply pressure on my uterus to ensure it was clamping down like it should. That’s when I felt most tender, and I remember one check in particular that took my breath away. Yowza! Thankfully, each check confirmed my body was healing well, and we had no complications there.

Hospital Day 2

Our second day at the hospital was a quiet one, for which we were thankful! You peppered us with lots of sweet sleepy times. Your Dad and I were both so love-struck, and took turns doing skin-to-skin time with you.

Your Dad took you to get your first bath while I stayed back to enjoy some solo time to snooze. He purposely chose not take any pictures just so he could be present with you.

And your Grandma & Grandpa Castelli stopped by a few times to visit us that day, bringing with them yummy food from the outside like smoothies & BBQ to fuel us!

One thing I really noticed during our hospital stay was how quickly I bonded with each of the nurses taking care of us, and how sad I was to say goodbye when getting handed off to a new nurse. I mean, they were offering care and support to us during one of the most precious and vulnerable times of our lives! It made me really glad I had brought some blank cards and Starbucks gift cards with us, so we could write a few personal thank you notes to the nurses we had connected with.

Our Low Point

We had a really rough night the second night in the hospital.

I got very little sleep because it seemed that no matter how long our nursing sessions, you weren’t satisfied and kept crying out in hunger. I felt completely tapped out–both of colostrum and energy.

Your Dad did what he could to try to calm you with skin-to-skin time and then swaddling, but you weren’t having it. And your Dad and I started to mentally spiral.

It’s astounding what a crying baby can do to one’s nerves in the middle of the night when you’re already sleep deprived. Add to that the post-traumatic stress we had from nursing struggles with your sister who was slow to gain weight, and your Dad and I both felt the panic set in as we worried we might also have similar nursing struggles with you!

Your Dad wondered if we should ask for formula. I felt like that was a bit hasty, but of course, when you’ve got a screaming baby, you want to do whatever you can to figure out how to calm her. We reached out to the nurses for help. They brought a pacifier and a hand-pump, but mostly they just brought a really calm demeanor, which I definitely needed…because now two of us were crying. I remember being so embarrassed when Dr. Chaban came in to do his pediatrician exam for you that morning, and I couldn’t keep it together. The emotional and physical exhaustion just took over.

In hindsight, I think what we were going through was just the “normal hard” with a newborn. And when I hopped on a call that morning with lactation consultant Annette Leery, she lovingly affirmed that you were doing exactly what you should do and trying to help my milk to come in!

It’s called “cluster-feeding,” and the fact that you were producing wet and dirty diapers confirmed you were actually feeding. And we were on the right track!

We scheduled an appointment with Annette to visit us at home the next day. And we requested to consult with the hospital lactation consultant Donna again if she was available later that morning.

Fresh 48 Photos

Meanwhile, it was time for our “Fresh 48” Hospital Photo Session with our dear photographer friend, Mandy, from Kossina Creative. I shared with her what a rough night we had just had (and why my eyes were so puffy), and she immediately diffused any stress I was feeling with her warm and easy-going nature.

Mandy kept snapping photos through your tears…

…and as you nursed some more…

…and eventually settled into sweet slumber (little stinker).

And as our little photo shoot went on, as the sun rose higher in the sky, as we smiled and laughed together with our family, my soul felt revived.

I was reminded of God’s promise for giving us new mercies every morning:

“The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.”

–Lamentations 3:22-23

I’ve clung to that promise so many times, Pep. Our God has never failed us.

And here’s a video Mandy captured that has the power to take me RIGHT back to that morning of mercy:

 

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A post shared by Lauren Lanker | CREATIVE (@thinkingcloset) on Jun 12, 2020 at 12:55pm PDT

Homeward Bound

We met with Donna one last time for a lactation consult, got the okay for discharge, quickly packed up, dressed you in your “going home” outfit, and they wheeled us downstairs. Right before we got in the car, Mandy showed up with the gift of a Breast-Friend pillow which was a help to us in our nursing journey. What a gal! And then we began the car ride home.

You slept the whole way like a little angel, and I just sat right next to you in the backseat, staring at my beautiful girl. You had so much chub, I laughed about how you looked a bit like a football player…the most beautiful football player there ever was!

We were welcomed home by Grandma, Grandpa, and Juniper who had set up a pennant banner to celebrate your arrival! What a gift it was to have your grandparents home with us that first week-and-a-half to help with meals, grocery trips, Junie care, and Pepper cuddles.

Calendar of Events

Here’s a calendar of events from your first days earthside:

May 8: You were born!
May 9: Day 2 at the hospital. First bath.
May 10: Discharged and settled in at home. My milk started to come in!
May 11: Lactation consultant visit from Annette Leary. Scott and Holly and the Lanker cousins came to meet you! This was the day I remembered my body started to feel like it’s old self again.
May 12: Auntie Darling came to meet you! First bath at home.
May 13: First pediatrician visit. Four Rivers BBQ with the Girdens.
May 14: I used my hakaa pump for the first time during feedings.
May 15: 3.5 hour Newborn Photo Shoot with Mandy at her home studio. I went first, Mark and Junie joined. That evening we took you out to BJ’s for your first restaurant visit.
May 16: You met Libia! We bid farewell to Grandma & Grandpa.

Final Reflections

Dear Pepper: looking back, I have so much to be thankful for: a joyous pregnancy anticipating your arrival, a smooth delivery, a speedy recovery for me–even more so than with Juniper, perhaps because I was so well rested going into your delivery…or was more active by necessity!

We had such incredible support from both of your grandparents with childcare and meals.

Your Dad continually showed up with healthy snacks to power me through those nursing sessions…or open arms to take you and Junie and give me a nap when he could.

My milk came in more quickly and we had a lot easier of a start to nursing than I had the first time. I am so grateful for the support of our lactation consultant Donna at the hospital and Annette once we were home. You exceeded your birth weight by your 2 week pediatrician visit, which merited a celebration in the form of an iced caramel cloud macchiato from Starbucks!

There was so much love sent our way via care packages, texts, calls, comments on social media. You were bathed in prayer.

Those early days had their fair share of challenges, too. We were both tired all the time, hungry all the time, and prone to tears.

But I have to say I really soaked up the newborn stage with you…so much more this second time around. I think it was in part because we had done it before, so there was so much less Googling and so much more trusting of our God-given instincts.

There was also greater joy in getting to share our love for you with a third party: your proud big sister Juniper who doted on your non-stop. Sang to you. Showered you with kisses.

I also knew that as challenging as that newborn stage is, it’s also so fleeting. The sleep deprivation, the non-stop diaper changes, those newborn wails, they were just for a season. Even now it seems like eons ago.

Now, you’re a pigtailed, cruising, standing on your own, climbing both flights of stairs, one-year-old with bright eyes, a vibrant personality, and a smile that stretches from ear to ear.

I’ve felt lots of feels this past month as I’ve been poring over the photos and videos from your arrival…remembering how tiny you were, what those little baby squeaks sounded like, remembering how my favorite thing to do was to get lost in your gray-eyed gaze. It was such a sweet time of getting to know the gal I was carrying for 9 months. The mysterious babe who was hiccuping so often, kicking so crazily.

And now, a year later, I know all the more! How you’re true to your name in adding so much spice and flavor to our lives. How your curious nature keeps us on our toes. How strong you are and quickly you recover after a tumble. How your intense emotions can be quelled by a trip outdoors. How fearless you are in the water and climbing stairs.

There’s no one like you, Pepper Vivian Rea.

And one thing we determined through our pregnancy with you and your first year is that we want to adopt spirits of expectancy with you and not have spirits of expectation. To let you be who God made you to be.

You are going to pave your own way in this world. And you can trust we’ll be there to love you. Pick you up when you fall. Snuggle you when you need a hug. And even when you don’t. {Tee hee.}

And through it all, as the J.J. Heller song lyrics go,

“May you always know you have my hand to hold.

Love always,

Mama

Where to go next?

If you made it to the end, you are a rockstar. And perhaps you’re the sort of person who just can’t get enough of birth stories. If so, you can read Juniper’s Birth Story HERE.

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