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How to Date Your Spouse (When Kids are Clawing at Your Ankles)

How to Date Your Spouse (when kids are clawing at your ankles). A do-able game-plan for husbands and wives navigating the uncharted waters of finding time to connect as a couple AND new parents. It's not only possible, it's essential! So much wisdom packed in here....

I’m not just someone who enjoys being prepared, I pride myself on being over-prepared.

So, you can imagine my rude awakening when we arrived home from the hospital last June with our new baby girl to realize that nothing had fully prepared us for this moment. No amount of reading parenting books. Or chatting with parent friends. Or taking birth classes. Or watching YouTube videos.

It’s such a complete world shift. So much so that our former lives pre-baby felt like they must have belonged to some other Mark and Lauren.

We asked ourselves:

“What did we used to do with all that free time?”

We can’t remember. (Thanks, sleep deprivation!)

Without a guide-book, Mark and I navigated the uncharted waters of parenting day by day, sometimes even hour by hour. And just when we’d figure out what was working, Junie started teething or her sleep schedule changed, and we found ourselves back at square one.

Something’s Gotta Give

Truth be told, at the end of 2016, we both felt completely drained. So much of our lives the prior seven months revolved around caring for Junie, we barely had time for ourselves let alone each other. And yet, we knew that if our marriage was important to us—which it is!—we desperately needed to be more intentional about nourishing it. (Hey there, word of the year!)

In our premarital counseling back in the dizzy, Pastor Tom from my home church in New York, shared with us that the best thing we could do for our future children would be to pour time and energy into developing a healthy marriage. And not just before having kids…but even more so, after!

It sounds counter-intuitive at first. But I’ve seen the fruit of it. When Mark and I are connected and functioning well as a team, parenting Juniper comes so much easier. And that love we have for each other just overflows onto Junie. Whenever we hug or kiss in front of her, she stares at us so intently, and then a big smile breaks out on her face. It’s so precious. Especially because I know that one day not far from now, she’ll be saying, “Ew! Gross!” in those moments. {Tee hee.}

How to Date Your Spouse

Okay, so, if we believe in nourishing our marriage relationship, especially after having kids, what does that look like? How do you pull it off amidst the challenges and demands of being parents?

I’ve got one word for you: routine.

Around mid-January, we sat down with our calendar and resolved to fill it up with a few new dating routines:

  • a weekly date night IN after Junie goes to bed (typically 1.5 hours)
  • a monthly date night OUT where we hire a sitter
  • a quarterly getaway of at least one overnight just the two of us.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. The word “routine” sounds anything but fun and romantic. But there’s a certain sense of freedom that comes within form. With a little one clawing at our ankles quite literally (time to cut those nails!), we don’t have the flexibility we used to for spontaneous outings. Having our dates set on the calendar in a regular routine takes out the guesswork in planning them and prevents us from over-scheduling ourselves, protecting that time together as a couple we so desperately need.

The more chaotic our lives get, the more I find I cling to the rhythms and routines I’ve adopted that align with our top priorities.

Our 3 New Routines

Okay, so let me break down for ya the nitty gritty of our 3 new dating routines:

Weekly Date Night IN: It was an ah-ha moment when my sister-in-love Jodi shared with us that she and her husband Matt have a date night together every week. And the vast majority of the time, they are date nights in at home after the kids have gone to bed. They each take turns planning them, so it’s a fun surprise for the other.

We do the same now! And our date nights in often involve a candlelit dinner together and a board game. Nothing too fancy, but it feeds the soul. And our relationship.

Monthly Date Night OUT: We’re slowly growing our community of sitters, so we can make a monthly date night out possible. Often we enjoy dinner at a new restaurant and see a movie or play together. We also enjoy discovering inexpensive or free outings like geo-cacheing or sunset walks. (More ideas on inexpensive date nights HERE.)

Quarterly Getaway: Mark’s parents live a short hour-and-a-half away from us, and they delight to watch Junie for a night or two, so we can enjoy a getaway just the two of us every few months. This was the toughest new routine for me at first, but I can now say after two getaways, they’re a win-win-win all around. Mark and I return refreshed as parents and reconnected as a couple, Juniper gets to soak up quality time with her Mimi, Papa, and Maggie-dog, and Mark’s parents get all the Junie-cuddles they want!

Overcoming the Hurdles

Now, perhaps you’re thinking, “This is all fine and dandy, Lauren. I’d love to spend more time with my spouse, but we just don’t have the time right now.”

Dear reader, I hear you. Those seasons of life when we’re in survival mode, it can feel silly to talk about something that feels like a luxury of time like “dates.” But there are two things I’ve learned:

1. Those are often the seasons of life when we need intentional moments of connection the most!

2. “Dates” don’t have to fit in the traditional mold of dinner and a movie out on the town. A short and simple date at home can be just as meaningful.

A quick story: back when I was teaching public school during our first years of marriage, I directed the high school spring musical. While it was my favorite part of the year, but it was also a huge time commitment. It often kept me at school from before sunrise to well after dark. Mark was in residency at the time and working crazy hours. We were often like ships passing in the night, and sometimes wouldn’t see each other for days at a time. That was tough on our marriage and definitely not ideal.

But you know what we did? In a ’bout of utter frustration, we sat down at the table with a calendar, and marked down all of the times we could plan intentional time together. However small. A half hour to eat dinner together here. An hour to watch The Office there. And we committed to unplugging our devices during that time and being as fully present as we could for that time span.

Those short-but-sweet “dates” were our life-line in that season. And reaffirmed for us both that our relationship was worth carving out intentional time for, even if we didn’t have a ton of it to spare.

Let me add a third item to that list of lessons I’m learning:

3. To do things that matter to you, you may have to create the space for it first.

The past several months, we decided to make some changes in our lives in order to make space for these new dating routines. Like scaling back on other commitments that just aren’t a tippy-top priority for us right now. And hiring a care-giver to watch Junie two days a week, so I can put more dedicated time into my business and personal wellness. The new margin we created made it possible for us to be able to take this next step in reconnecting through pre-planned dates.

Why It’s Worth It

Though it’s not always easy to stick to our new dating routines—because let’s be honest, life gets cray—we’re always so thankful when we do. In the short-term, these routines allow for deeper connection amidst the chaos of daily life. And in the long-term, I imagine that these are the moments we’ll reminisce about when we’re old and gray, sitting side-by-side in our Adirondack chairs (wondering how in the heck we’re going to get out of these Adirondack chairs!).

More so, these are the moments that will help us actually stick together ’till we’re old and gray.

Even the smallest of commitments can breed powerful results over time if you stick with it. (Says the gal who just finished Darren Hardy’s inspirational book, *The Compound Effect. Yes, you can add it to your book list right now.)

Our Latest Getaway!

A week ago today, we returned from a two-night getaway to Amelia Island, FL, and it was truly such a magical trip:

…from swimming in the ocean together just like we used to in our pre-Junie days…
…to hunting for treasure among the seashell spray at low tide…
…to laughing to tears in the hotel pool which boasted a 3 foot 11 inch deep end (no lie)…
…to drinking wine and gobbling down several basket-fulls of chips and queso…
…to sailing with Captain Tony at sunset, learning how to dance with the wind…
…to exploring Cumberland Island, the land of the Dungeness Ruins and wild horses (yes, wild horses!)…
…to hunting down ice cream before the last shop in town closed for the night…
…to celebrating where we’ve been, where we are, and grow excited about where we’re going.

Because let’s be real: marriage is hard. And it’s not always like romantic getaways to tropical islands.

But we’re learning that carving out time for weekly date nights at home and special getaways every few months—places just a few hours from our front door—helps us see each other and the world around us with new eyes again.

My Big Takeaway

The hope is that we can take those new eyes back home with us. To days filled with diaper changes and piles of laundry and “What should we make for dinner?” And learn to see each other with those new eyes even amidst the mundane routines of everyday life.

Because when we do, we possess the power to sail the ocean blue with our sweetheart even while eating dinner across from each other at the table.

And sitting on the nursery floor, watching our daughter stand on her own for three seconds, can be just as thrilling as seeing wild horses.

A few photos from our trip!

Keep scrolling to read your challenge below….

How to Date Your Spouse (when kids are clawing at your ankles). A do-able game-plan for husbands and wives navigating the uncharted waters of finding time to connect as a couple AND new parents. It's not only possible, it's essential! So much wisdom packed in here.... How to Date Your Spouse (when kids are clawing at your ankles). A do-able game-plan for husbands and wives navigating the uncharted waters of finding time to connect as a couple AND new parents. It's not only possible, it's essential! So much wisdom packed in here.... How to Date Your Spouse (when kids are clawing at your ankles). A do-able game-plan for husbands and wives navigating the uncharted waters of finding time to connect as a couple AND new parents. It's not only possible, it's essential! So much wisdom packed in here.... How to Date Your Spouse (when kids are clawing at your ankles). A do-able game-plan for husbands and wives navigating the uncharted waters of finding time to connect as a couple AND new parents. It's not only possible, it's essential! So much wisdom packed in here.... How to Date Your Spouse (when kids are clawing at your ankles). A do-able game-plan for husbands and wives navigating the uncharted waters of finding time to connect as a couple AND new parents. It's not only possible, it's essential! So much wisdom packed in here.... How to Date Your Spouse (when kids are clawing at your ankles). A do-able game-plan for husbands and wives navigating the uncharted waters of finding time to connect as a couple AND new parents. It's not only possible, it's essential! So much wisdom packed in here.... How to Date Your Spouse (when kids are clawing at your ankles). A do-able game-plan for husbands and wives navigating the uncharted waters of finding time to connect as a couple AND new parents. It's not only possible, it's essential! So much wisdom packed in here.... How to Date Your Spouse (when kids are clawing at your ankles). A do-able game-plan for husbands and wives navigating the uncharted waters of finding time to connect as a couple AND new parents. It's not only possible, it's essential! So much wisdom packed in here....

Your Challenge!

If you’ve had a nudge in your spirit while reading this post and are ready to incorporate a new dating routine into your life, here’s a call to action for you:

Talk to your spouse TODAY about your desire to adopt a routine of planned dates together.

Bring it up over dinner tonight. Or after the kids go to bed. Or text him right now! Just get a conversation started.

And from there, you can take the next step in implementing the routine that fits you two the best. Perhaps it involves putting regular date nights (or days) on the calendar for the next few months. Or finding a reliable babysitter so you can plan an overnight. It doesn’t need to be drastic to be effective.

I said it before, and I’ll say it again:

Even the smallest of commitments can breed powerful results over time if you stick with it. That has become our mantra of late. And I hope it is an encouragement to you, dear reader, wherever you find yourself in your journey.

Resources for Dating Your Spouse:

I have several resources I’d love to share with you to help support you as you date your spouse. They’ve all been a huge help to Mark and me in nourishing our marriage:

  • 12 Months of Date Nights Mini-Book: This FREE printable of mine has had over 50,000 downloads since its launch, which makes my heart so happy because that’s a lot of date nights for a lot of readers! The mini-book allows you to plot out a year of monthly date night ideas. The planning of it even makes for a great date night activity with your spouse or gift for him (Father’s Day is coming up!). It comes with three different designs, all FREE for subscribers to my newsletter. Nab it by signing up using the subscription box below or clicking HERE. Read my tutorial on how to use it HERE.

  • 101 Creative Date Night Ideas on a Dime: This epic list is one I created pre-Juniper, but I have gone back to refer to it now that we’ve got so many date nights on the calendar. Many of them can be done at home while the kids are asleep! Here are some of my favorites to whet your appetite:

#3: Draw each other’s portraits…wait for it…with your non-dominant hand! Laugh at the results. Then frame ’em!

#30: Create an audio recording of you each interviewing each other, a la Story Corps.

#48: Childhood movie night! Watch each of your favorite childhood movies while snacking on popcorn.

  • “Navigator’s Council” Questions from Beating 50 Percent: This is a list of questions that we’ll pull from during some of our date nights that involve dinner. “What’s one specific thing I can do for you this week?” has probably proven to be the most fruitful question. And it often surprises me to learn the little things I can do for Mark that have a big impact on him. And how much he delights to fulfill my special requests.
  • A Liturgy for Husband & Wife at Close of Day from The Rabbit Room: This is a powerful and humbling liturgical prayer written by Douglas Kaine McKelvey and to be read aloud as a couple.
  • And Baby Makes Three by John Gottman & Julie Schwartz Gottman: Of all the many books we read on parenting, this was the best one in mentally preparing us for how the transition from being a family of two to three can take a toll on your marriage. We often read this book aloud to each other during drives to our OB appointments or small group, and it sparked great discussion for us. It also gave us hope that we’d not only survive the transition to becoming a family of three, but learn how to thrive!

Are there any resources you’d like to recommend to me and The Thinking Closet creatives? Share in the comments below, so that we can support one another in our marriage journeys. Lord knows it ain’t easy, but boy is it worth the work.

Happy dating!

*Full Disclosure: This post contains affiliate links, meaning that if you make a purchase after clicking through, The Thinking Closet may receive a small commission at no extra cost to you.  Thanks for helping to support this site!

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21 Comments

  1. Everything that you have suggested is exactly what me and my wife have been talking about doing. It is so nice knowing we aren’t the only ones on earth that have forgotten how to date. Time flies and we take that time for granted. Reading this was like drinking a fresh cold glass of tea after a long day working outside. Thank you.

    1. Oh I’m so glad to hear this was an inspiration to you, Blaine! And you made the English teacher in me smile with that epic simile: “Reading this was like drinking a fresh cold glass of tea after a long day working outside.” Happy dating to you and your wife!

  2. I thank you for this, permission, to have a date night! Guilt seems to creep in when I fantasize about having alone with with my husband. Other moms/women seem to look down upon moms leaving their children in order to care for their marriage. Having a great mom, such as yourself, say you take time for dates in your marriage, allow for me to mentally give myself a break and plan the reality for these dates. I work full-time and have enough guilt leaving my kids at daycare.
    Thank you!!!!!

    1. I totally know what you mean about guilt creeping in…you’re not alone! But I’m so glad to hear that after reading my story, you feel you have the permission to prioritize date nights. I truly believe that some of the best things you can do for your kids is invest in your marriage. A couple strong in their own relationship are going to parent SO much better. Hope you and your hubby have a blast, Stephanie!

  3. Hi, Mrs. Lanker! Or, should I call you Lauren now 🙂 This is Jesse Coe but now Jesse Bueschel (married)!! I love this post, I just had my son almost 8 months ago and my husband and I have been trying to find time for each other. I wish more than anything I was close to family or friends to watch my son. I might have to gain the courage and find a sitter. My husband and I have been doing date nights in almost every weekend whether its a movie, sitting on the patio together or laying in bed with our son between us as we quietly watch a movie. Although babies like to keep you on your toes I think it’s important to always find time for each other through the week.

    Time with your spouse is so important after baby, and I think everyone does need a new “routine” to keep the love alive & well. I think everyone takes the time before baby for granted – it’s the little things I miss. But I sure love being a momma.

    Thanks for sharing!

    1. Jesse! Great to hear from you, my dear! Yes, please call me Lauren (if it’s not too weird for you, ha ha). Congrats on getting hitched and on having a baby boy! How utterly exciting! Loved reading your sweet-as-pie comment (and also popping over to your blog! So lovely!). Oh yes…it can be tough not living close to family (we’re in the same boat…though Mark’s parents live about 1.5 hour away, which means we do get to see them every few weeks). But we’re so glad that we have found a few sitters among our church friends to watch Junie when we need a date night out. SO worth it! And I have to say it gets easier every time. Way to go, still planning intentional time together at home on the weekends. Wishing you and your hubby all the best as you adapt to this grand new adventure of being a family of three. You’re right: there is much we took for granted before kids. But there’s also so much unexpected JOY that comes with having a little one, isn’t there? Hugs comin’ your way!

  4. This is an amazing post. We were just talking about this the other day, how we need a few time to date and to be romantic too. I love your tips. Thank you!

  5. I love this post. I’m following in your footsteps with our newest little 2-month-old addition. My husband and I definitely try to get in as much time together as we can, but little Gwen is always right by our side. (That’s so hard to avoid when you’re nursing!) I’m hoping little routines like this will get much easier as she gets a little older!

    I also wanted to thank you for your wonderful website! It helped inspire me to finally publish my own and run with it. I can’t say that about very many bloggers. I wish you, Mark, and Junie the best!

    1. Congrats on your little bundle of joy, Alina! Gwen is one of my favorite names EVER. Oh yes, nursing brings a whole different element into the mix. I was just saying to Mark that I don’t think I started to feel quite like my old self again until we stopped nursing. It was such a sweet season in so many ways, and I don’t regret those 9.5 months in the least! But I think she self-weaned at just the right time. We were both ready. So hang in there! And know that even just 10 minutes of intentional time together or whatever you can muster can go a long way. Especially in these early months. And to everything a season! Gwen will be toddling around before you know it and sleeping through the night, and those dates will get longer and longer.

      And wow! I’m humbled to know I played a part in inspiring you to start your own blog. Too cool! Off to pay you a visit right now!

  6. This post is full of wise & beautiful words and photos. Your dad and I had a date night every week when he was in graduate school and we were raising two little girls. The date night idea had been recommended to us at the beginning of his MBA process, and it was priceless advice. Couples can drift apart so easily in the midst of doing good and parenting; having an intentional routine is a way to build a boundary and prevent the drifting. I just shared this with a young mom I know and trust it will bless her, too! Fostering a healthy marriage and “routine” prayer for them are the best things we can do for our children. Thanks for writing up what you are learning! Focus on the Family also has great marriage resources–radio programs and books. Finding a fun sport together, like cross-country skiing for us, and listening to books on CD together has also been bonding…so even after children are grown, these are good habits to incorporate.

    1. Thanks, Mama! And thanks for the amazing example you and Popsie set for us throughout childhood. I remember those date nights of yours well…and also the fun (and adventurous) times we had with sitters as a result. Win win! And I love how you and Dad have so gracefully transitioned into these “empty nest” years and continue to pour into your marriage with time away and cross-country ski adventures. Like wine, you’re growing richer with age! And thanks for passing the post along to your friend. I hope it’s an encouragement to that mama and to anyone else who finds there way to this corner of the interwebs. Love you!

      1. Lauren, I’m so proud to share your blog posts with others. I pray my young mama-friend will take a look and heed your words.

        So kind of you to say that Dad and I are aging like fine wine…sometimes the wine is not so fine…but God carries us along in spite of ourselves! Love YOU!

  7. Thanks Lauren -I loved this post! Tonight we are going to attempt our first date night in -inspired by you and Jodi:). It is hard to get out often with five kids and busy schedules so this is a neat idea. I think we will let the kids eat and watch a movie on the laptop in our pop up camper. I found some steak on sale at Aldi’s so we can have that and a cute little ice cream carton I found. I just wrote down the 7 questions from the Navigator’s website which sound good. I have been very impatient as a Mom today, so a little break sounds great. Thanks for your great ideas!

    1. Oh Kristin, that makes me so happy to hear! I know you and Paul will have such a special time (not to mention that sounds like a grand evening for the kiddos, too). I can only imagine how hard it is to enjoy date nights out with 5 littles, but I’m so glad you’ve caught the vision with date nights IN. Seems so obvious to me now, but when Matt and Jodi first shared that with us, it was a game-changer! Date nights are a state of mind. 😉 Enjoy that steak, ice cream, those Navigator’s Counsel questions, and quality time with your sweet hubby! I’m honestly getting chills just thinking about it. Love to you!

  8. Lauren,
    I just read your blog post as well as your email that included your Friday Five. I clicked on the link to the Dustin Hoffman interview about Tootsie. WOW. That was simply amazing and I surely wish more folks could see that. His final comment that the movie was not a comedy for him was, as you said, sobering. But oh so sweet and important. Thank you for sharing that! It made my day!!

    1. Pretty powerful, right? I’ve seen it several times now, and I tear up every time he does. It has been many years since I saw that movie, but now I’m adding to my list for our next movie date night. {Wink.} So glad you enjoyed it, Jodi. You made MY day with your kind comment! Truly.

  9. oh, yes, this is sooooo important! I’m glad you are figuring out how important early on, and doing something about it – good for you!

    I like your choice of words – routine – something that is important enough to repeat on a regular basis.

    Hubby and I had a long-standing date night on Thursday nights (he worked a 4 day week so that was our Friday night.) After we moved last summer, it was our kids who noticed we were not getting our weekly date night and they strongly suggested we begin our tradition (routine) again. Yes, they are old enough to be left to themselves for a while, but since we’ve had the routine since before they were born (date night IN during those years of having ‘littles’ in the house) they wanted to be sure we were not depriving (neglecting) ourselves. Ummm, yeah, a little too much fun and sometimes a bit of mischief might be happening at home while mom and dad are away, but that’s all part of the tradition, I guess.

    Enjoy these days – they won’t last long!

    1. Thanks for the words of encouragement, Linda. It means a lot coming from you! Oooo, and I like your definition for “routine.” That sounds anything but bland to me! Aw, and I loved hearing about how adamant your kids have been about you reinstating your weekly date night! The fact that they can care for you in this way, even as kids, is quite remarkable. And a further testament to your awesomeness as a wife and mama. Even if there is a wee bit of mischief going on at home in your absence. All kids need a healthy amount of mischief, right? Thanks again, Linda. Enjoy your Thursday night date nights!

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